The Good, the Bad and the Ugly: a small-time niche writer's journey towards self-acceptance

[seraphcelene]

I am not a writer. Let that be the first thing that I say. If you met me and asked what I like to do in my spare time, my response would be: "I like to read and watch TV."

The first time that I met one of Stellabelle's dear friends, he said, "So, you're a writer." My immediate reply was, "Oh, no. Not me." But Stellabelle (who is a writer, published and teaching Creative Writing at NYU) had said that I was. I'd given her fanfic the summer we were all in London and she told me to stop wasting my time with things that I can't publish. Needless to say, I was over the moon. Still, I was and remain, tentative in regards to my own ability to put create beautiful, resonant prose. Even coming from Stellabelle, someone I adore and admire, I cannot seem to allow myself to be called a writer.

This is what must be understood when we get into the debate over concrit, feedback, LJ and BNF's.

So. Moving on.

I get good feedback. Even better, I get feedback from writer's that I admire. So, why is it that I clamor for more, always more? Quantity doesn't necessarily trump quality, but in LJ-land where my eyes are inevitably drawn to that little number beside the word comments, it's traumatizing, at least for me, when fic remains in the single digits. It's why I so often wait to respond. I want to see if anyone else has anything to say and I don't want my responses to drive up the count. Sad, but true.

Having been recently reassured by writer's, again, that I admire (glossing and chrisleeoctaves I am looking at you), why do I find it so difficult to get past the desire for mass adoration. I am a niche writer. I know that. I accept that. The responses I get are always flattering, kind, and very often detailed. And again, I get feedback from people that I admire, as either writers or as people with good taste and sense, and not just because they are complimenting my fic: thawrecka, dafnap, diachrony, kormantic, tkp, violetsmiles, moireach, moonwhip (once my beta and now a doctoral candidate) and plenty others that I know I'm missing.

So, what is it about my confidence in my writing ability that prevents me from saying "this is good"? Why is it that I need others to tell me it is so?

Partially, I know, it's because to say that I am a writer just sounds, to my ears, pretentious. How on Earth could *I*, little ole me, be a writer?

I am attempting to move beyond that. It's an ongoing process. And if I am petulant, bitter or depressed on occasion because the masses don't adore me, please bear with me. I promise to curb most of the vitriol. Even in my confused, heated brain I recognize that it is unwarranted because I have the quality feedback. Quantity really isn't everything.

Comments

[seraphcelene]

It's performance, judged by our audience. Craving the attention goes with the territory. Personally, I don't think that's a bad thing at all. It just .is.

Dude. Word. When I can step away from myself, I can remember that, but sometimes it's damned hard, especially when I write something that I'm really proud of.


From my POV it's natural to put writers on a pedestal and to feel unworthy in comparison, but I think that reaction is probably felt in proportion to how much you love the written word, how much you've been shaped by it.

Dude!! That resonates so much!! I've been reading since, like, the day that I was born. Always known as the girl with the book and the words. Words. They mean so very much. It's the shape of the world. The meaning of everything. My first thought is always, how do I express that. Words do so much and there are so many moments that I remember according to the books I read at the time and the words in my head.

AH!! Perfect. Perfect. You made me delirious with that. *sigh* Good Job. :)