Cupid Bow Mouth

1. Writing continues to be PAINFUL. I won't be doing IWRY this year because my writing gene is BROKEN!! I should have dropped out of the lynnevitational when I had the chance, but I didn't and now *that* fic is out there. Crave is the only thing that I've written of late that I kinda sorta like (despite it being more than a little purple). That's really, really sad. *is sad*

2. I continue to be in love with Robert Pattinson. From the Empire Magazine article about Twilight:

"When you read the book," says Pattinson, looking appropriately pallid and interesting even without make-up, "it's like, 'Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.' I mean, every line is like that. He's the most ridiculous person who's so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn't do that. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that's how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he's a 108 year-old virgin so he's obviously got some issues here."

*sigh*

Oh, Rob!

OMG, kids!! Kids, The Man almost got me. He lulled me with turkey and a week long vacation and then WHAM! He summoned me to court for jury duty. Whew! But I outsmarted him. Fate was on my side and I got a get out of jail free card. I'm safe until this time next year. Only now I have a cold and a million hours of work to catch up on because my last day in the office last week was the first day for the new girl and, poor thing, she's had a trial by fire because it's been BUSY since I was away.

Anyway, to get you through the day, because I KNOW how much you all missed me, I am leaving you beautiful words courtesy of my darling, Yo!Mello … Yes, dearest, I love Ani DiFranco and can I say how much I LOVE those songs. Now, I have to go and hunt down the mp3's or something. *sigh*


"I always looked into your glasses
Like a cat looks into a fish tank
But all I could ever see
Was the specter of me reflected
I want a monument of the friendship
That we never had, erected
I want to take up lots of room
I want it to loom" -- Ani DiFranco, Loom

I am baffled, confused and otherwise clueless. Love and all of its attendant emotions irritate the crap out of me because I just don't get it. Not to mention that I totally dislike the knotty, heart-skipping, skin-crawling, spine-tingling-ness of crushing on someone. I don't like to like people like that. It's not fun. It's not cool. AND IT MAKES ME IRRITABLE.

John Cusack in the rain, remember him? Well, I saw him at Fourth of July and he gave me puppy dog eyes and I just didn't want to even go over to talk to him, which I barely did, because dude, he hasn't called not. one. time. since Sin's birthday in May. And YET! He stands by the stairs and asks me as I head to the bathroom if I'm coming back.

Yeah, right! Move over, boy-o, you've been replaced.

And yet, and yet! This is the guy who totally declared his affection for me in the freaking RAIN! How much more teen-, chick-lit can you get! I'd have to be completely cast iron not to respond. And I did. And then he never called. Not that I really care because I didn't really care for him anyway. It was the moment!

The guy that I do like. The sax player from San Francisco, newly moved to Oceanside, is so VAGUE that it drives me out of my tree. The thing that I most adore about him, his passion for his music, is the same thing that I find annoying. I can feel the interest, but he gets SO distracted that I usually wind up feeling stupid because I can't tell if he's paying attention. And yet. And yet, he IS interested. I can feel it and I've been told by more than one person and when he does focus on me, he really FOCUSES. This is fucking crazy cause now, I'm all: No, more Mountain Dew, I've had enough! And there is no reason that any of you should get that reference and I'll explain it to you later!

So, then I'm over it and I move on, at least I think I do. But then something comes up where someone mentions him or randomly I think about him, and good grief, then I'm obsessed all over again. And if I see him, then all I want to do is crawl down his fucking throat. But he's so intent and shy that I don't want to scare him, so I can't even be my usual ballsy self. Because usually I DON'T CARE. But this time, this time ... I could really get my feelings hurt.

This sucks.

Love sucks!

I HATE YOU LOVE! I really, really do ...

(I did not edit. I did not spell check. I did not beta. It's imperfect. Can you handle that? Not that you're going to read it anyway.)

Fuck you! Fuck you all! Fuck the world, I want to get off. This is not fun. I am sure that this isn't what I signed up for. Where's the travel agent, I want a refund! This couldn't be what the brochure described as Life.

It SUCKS!!! It sucks rotten, cheesy monkey balls!!!

Right now, I really hate EVERYTHING!! I try to avoid rants for the most part because hey, everyone has pain and mine's isn't especially interesting, so why inflict it. I defriended someone a while ago because of excessive ranting! Can there be a little bit of happy?!?!? Somewhere?!

Apparently not.

I hate that my mom died. I hate that I miss her. I hate that I hate cemetaries and haven't been to the crypt since the funeral two fucking months ago. I am tired of my family -- they are NOTHING like me, they know NOTHING about me, my likes, my dislikes, who I really am as a person. All they know is that I'm the responsible one. Well, fuck that shit!! I don't want to be the shoulder to cry on, the one with the answers and the solutions. I don't want to bandage anything, cook anything, clean fucking ANYTHING!! I don't want to have to work and support a household! I am TIRED of astronomical school loans for a degree that I don't even use.

I am sick unto death of LJ. I am tired of the cliques and the no commenting. I never expected to be the popular one. I have NEVER been the popular one. But, shit all, can I get some sort of feedback. I've tried being witty, I've tried being bitchy, I've tried being scholarly and interesting. It hurts my feelings that I am none of those things to anyone. Tha Wrecka and Diochonry are the Only regualar commentors and although I should be content with that, I AM NOT!!!!!

I hate that I am invisible when I actually work not to be so! I hate that I get no feedback on my fic, no constructive criticism, no hey read your story. It was neat. Nothing. Nada. Zip, Zero, Zilch. I REALLY HATE that the writers I admire the most with the exception of my past betas, haven't read anything that I've written. I REALLY cannot STAND that I am so NEEDY that I require their approval. I am a good writer, damnit! I am. Tha Wrecka and Dio tell me so. Once upon a time, other people did too. But where did you go?

I feel like those sad, old, celebrities who come out of obscruity to do a reality show all in the hopes of regaining some of their former glory. Only I never had glory, so there's not even a former to go back to.

I am TIRED of being ten pounds overweight. I am SICK of my clothes not fitting -- this is the heaviest I've ever been in my entire life! I don't want to be broke anymore. I am tired of hating my job and all of the STUPID, IDIOTIC, CLUELESS people who exist in the world.

It is disturbing and disheartening to realize how many awful people exist. How many close-minded, mean, petty, evil, small people. People who can't see beyond the tip of their nose. The bitter and petulant and the hateful. I am distraught over the fact that there are those out in the world who think it's okay to BOMB other people. Who use differences of culture, religion, skin color, race as a reason for hate and conflict.

I HATE George W. Bush. And FUCK you TOO Secret Service.

I am NOT especially happy with most people in the United States of America.

I wish that I could live on a hill in Ireland, or in the top of a B&B in Vernazza, Italy. I wish I could live in the middle of an empty plain in Montana or Wyoming or somewhere equally sparsley populated. I would live in Alaska.

I am tired of my cat jumping up onto my dresser and knocking ALL of the picture frames onto the floor. I am ready to take a sledge hammer to the 'Rents computer!

I DO NOT LIKE my BOSS!! He is a small, petty man.

L.A. traffic is going to make me commit murder someday. Why do people INSIST on using cellphones while driving? WHY in the HELL do they tailgate? What the fuck is it with going over 90 miles an hour? You won't make it to your destination if you DIE in a FIREY car crash!!!

I really, really, really, really HATE SUV's!

What exactly is the purpose of a Hummer in a city, besides getting the fuck in my way?

What the hell is up with the American female and her insane obsession with the terminally thin? Women are not meant to be a size 2! And let's not forget that sizes vary according to the label/manufacturer/designer and that today's size 10 was a size 6 in 1942! What does that tell you about the ease with which we are ALL manipulated? Women are meant to have hips and breasts. And a word, if you're so thin that you've lost all of your breasts, getting implants will not make you look attractive. It makes you look like a boy with fake boobs. HARD fake boobs!!

If you are 18 you should not be getting breast implants, for graduation or just because. Your body WILL change. It's called aging. And hormones! Your breasts will grow, dumbass. And if they don't let's not forget that there are all sorts of non-surgical alternatives. Push-up bras, Padded bras, Miracle bras, Cutlets, to name a few. And let's also not forget that so called small breasted women can wear things that her larger sisters cannot. Of course if you WANT to look like a cheap skank HO then that's your perogative. Just accept the fact that I'm going to point and snicker because to be honest, people should really dress according to their body type. And despite popular opinion, Ultra Low Rise jeans don't look good on ANYBODY! I don't want to see your crotch hair OR your ass crack. PUT IT AWAY!!

I have an hourglass figure! I don't wear low cut jeans, because I have CURVES! Curves will fall out of those damn jeans! I also do not wear mini skirts because the back is going to ride higher than the front! It's called an ASS!

White girls should NOT wear cornrows or braided hair extensions!! It does NOT look good on you and I find it offensive! No, Bo Derek did not look cute in it either!! Juliette Lewis only managed to look incredibly trailer park! Justin Timeberlake should NOT wear cornrows. You are whitebread, fool!! Kevin Federline and Brittany Spears are not that interesting. Neither are Nick and Jessica!

America's Next Top Model is about superficiality no matter what they claim AND PLEASE stop selecting the obligatory plus size model and then giving her the boot halfway through. SHE IS NOT GOING TO WIN AND THE COMPETION IS UNEVEN. A plus size model is not going to go out for the same job as a 'regular' model. They are not comparable.

Reality TV is NOT reality. AND it sucks. (I do, however, reserve the right to be utterly fascinated with The Surreal Life! But at least they KNOW how ridiculous they are! Except for maybe in the case of Chyna, Vanilla Ice, and Janice Dickinson.)

This World SUCKS. Adam Sandler is NOT funny! Lindsey Lohan is NOT cute. She might have had potential, but now all she is is emaciated. Joey McIntyre is a HORRIBLE dancer! Plastic Surgery WILL NOT fix what is wrong with you! Too much plastic surgery will NOT make you look younger. You just look like an old woman with plastic surgery.

Botox is COW BOTULISM!! What is WRONG with you people! Administering chemical peels at home to yourself is one of the STUPIDEST things I've ever heard of.

Elephants will RAMPAGE! You are IDIOTIC to think that you have any control over them! They weigh fucking four tons! You control them because they LET you!

And while I'm on the subject, why don't we just admit that control is REALLY just an illusion. It doesn't exist. As humans we try to control everything. Space, the environment, other people, animals, mother nature, everything!!! It can't be done. Not really. Face it. I'm not saying give up the ghost! I'm just saying stop fucking pretending as if you'll ever truly be prepared for an earthquake or a rock slide or a tusnami because you won't. Try to take care of the little things. Like having a first aid kit and an out of state emergency contact!

Cameron Diaz CANNOT act! Neither can Keanu Reeves. Britney Spears cannot sing. Jessica Simpson just barely cuts the mustard. If you are white and you want to rap, your one and only goal is to be better than Eminem! That is who you are ALWAYS going to be compared to. That is who you're going to have to surpass.

I hate the way that Buffy ended. I don't think that all the girls who MIGHT have the power SHOULD have the power. There had to be a particular reason that some girls were actually CHOSEN why others weren't. Damage was a great exploration of that, but not good enough. Let's not pretend for even a moment that empowering that many girls wouldn't change the face of the entire planet!!

I royally dislike Fox and the way that they handle truly creative TV shows. Wonderfalls was cancelled after four episodes! What the FUCK was that? You put it on Friday nights and then cancelled it after four episodes! You didn't even give anyone a chance to see it! And then there's Serentiy and I can't even understand HOW you managed to FUCK that one up. It came with practically a built in audience. If you had promoted it properly. It says a lot that I never even saw an episode or heard about it until it was already off the air! I had to download all of the episodes, And it was especially stupid that you don't actually air the pilot as the first episode!

I did NOT like Peacekeeper Wars, I thought it was a cheap cop out. Farscape was so much better than that! I can't even believe that you managed to cancel that and then try to replace it with SG1. I am bitter! BITTER!!! I haven't even been able to watch Battlestar Galatica just because it's on the SCiFi channel and I object!

Why is LOST so totally stupid? Why do I feel only slight love for Veronica Mars? She is cute and snarky and all femme but I was only mildly engaged. Hugh Laurie stepped into the void of Tuesday night, however, and won my heart forever. He is old and crippled and bitter and angry. I HEART HOUSE!!! I even like Medium better than VM. WTF?

It pisses me off that Cordelia was just killed off of Angel. They barely dealt with the fall out of her birthing a monster. Season Five of Angel could have been SO much better. Why was Lindsey such a punk ass cheap bad guy? Where was his fire? Why no more Stephanie Romanov? And why did you replace her with EVE of ALL people. And yes, she really was Lilah-lite!!! Harmony was almost Cordy-lite and I barely forgive you for that!!!

And why didn't it take Willow longer to recover from her daillance on the Dark Side. Everyone else was all tortured and tragic for SEASONS!! Hell, Angel is still repenting and so is Faith! Buffy was so depressed she fucked Spike. REPEATEDLY!

I still don't like Xander!!

Dawn shouldn't have lasted past The Gift. Shouldn't she have faded back into the ether? Where are all of the consequences for playing with magic and the fabric of reality? Aren't there any Giles type monk people to shake their fingers and sternly lecture that This Is Not Right? Shouldn't she be key engery, green blooby thing again? WTF?

What did you do with Gwen, Kate, Parker, and Oz? What about nerd boy from, Angel. Patron guy? What happened to Fred's Texas accent? Where's Drusilla?!?!?!?

Why is it okay for people to have credit card debt? Why is it that it's okay to sell people things they don't need. Why do we have to be such gluttons?!?!?

I DON'T GET IT!

And right now -- I HATE YOU!