The Good, the Bad and the Ugly: a small-time niche writer's journey towards self-acceptance

[seraphcelene]

I am not a writer. Let that be the first thing that I say. If you met me and asked what I like to do in my spare time, my response would be: "I like to read and watch TV."

The first time that I met one of Stellabelle's dear friends, he said, "So, you're a writer." My immediate reply was, "Oh, no. Not me." But Stellabelle (who is a writer, published and teaching Creative Writing at NYU) had said that I was. I'd given her fanfic the summer we were all in London and she told me to stop wasting my time with things that I can't publish. Needless to say, I was over the moon. Still, I was and remain, tentative in regards to my own ability to put create beautiful, resonant prose. Even coming from Stellabelle, someone I adore and admire, I cannot seem to allow myself to be called a writer.

This is what must be understood when we get into the debate over concrit, feedback, LJ and BNF's.

So. Moving on.

I get good feedback. Even better, I get feedback from writer's that I admire. So, why is it that I clamor for more, always more? Quantity doesn't necessarily trump quality, but in LJ-land where my eyes are inevitably drawn to that little number beside the word comments, it's traumatizing, at least for me, when fic remains in the single digits. It's why I so often wait to respond. I want to see if anyone else has anything to say and I don't want my responses to drive up the count. Sad, but true.

Having been recently reassured by writer's, again, that I admire (glossing and chrisleeoctaves I am looking at you), why do I find it so difficult to get past the desire for mass adoration. I am a niche writer. I know that. I accept that. The responses I get are always flattering, kind, and very often detailed. And again, I get feedback from people that I admire, as either writers or as people with good taste and sense, and not just because they are complimenting my fic: thawrecka, dafnap, diachrony, kormantic, tkp, violetsmiles, moireach, moonwhip (once my beta and now a doctoral candidate) and plenty others that I know I'm missing.

So, what is it about my confidence in my writing ability that prevents me from saying "this is good"? Why is it that I need others to tell me it is so?

Partially, I know, it's because to say that I am a writer just sounds, to my ears, pretentious. How on Earth could *I*, little ole me, be a writer?

I am attempting to move beyond that. It's an ongoing process. And if I am petulant, bitter or depressed on occasion because the masses don't adore me, please bear with me. I promise to curb most of the vitriol. Even in my confused, heated brain I recognize that it is unwarranted because I have the quality feedback. Quantity really isn't everything.

Comments

[gloss]

Dear Sera,
You smell!
love from me.

Okay, I feel for you and everything you've said here, except for the self-definition as a writer. (My current problem is that I need to define myself as a doctoral candidate, not a writer, but I digress.)

Those icky number counts suck, and I think they're probably the worst thing that LJ brought to fandom - suddenly, feedback is *visible* and comparative. In *my* ideal fandom, your work, like kormantic's, would be getting 60, 75, 100 comments per piece and others' work would languish in the single digits. But here's an instructive anecdote: itsabigrock once posted an S/A fic the same week that Kita posted fic and later noted that she only got 100 comments, way less than Kita did. Moral? No one ever feels like their feedback's enough.

That, or we should all be writing Spangel. I'm not sure. ;)

And if I am petulant, bitter or depressed on occasion because the masses don't adore me, please bear with me.
*bears with you*
*loves*

[seraphcelene]

Oh, chica!! I swear it's the guy on the other treadmill. Really. Pinkie-swear.

I totally remember trying to make my brain leap from writing for fun to academic writing and vice versa. It's a weird shift for me. The methods for thinking and writing, I find, are conflicting. One is very cerebral and the other much more intuitive, at least in the initial stages. And YAY for doctoral candidates!! I LOVE brilliant people!

suddenly, feedback is *visible* and comparative
That is the *perfect* description. Yikes! So, learning to chill is my goal. No big. NO BIG!

And can I just say that I TOTALLY DIG ON YOU!!! as a writer, a thinker, and a person. I like cool people. Thanks for the shoulder, btw.

*trundles off to write Spangel* ;)

[lostakasha.livejournal.com]

Probably not the best person to try and answer you, but for me, the need to be read as well as to write is part of the demon because writing is so exhibitionistic by nature. It's performance, judged by our audience. Craving the attention goes with the territory. Personally, I don't think that's a bad thing at all. It just .is.

But the LJ number count is hideous and misleading, and I hate it, too. Alas, so much in this time in history seems to hinge on hitting some magic number -- 1 billion served, first in the overnights...ack.

From my POV it's natural to put writers on a pedestal and to feel unworthy in comparison, but I think that reaction is probably felt in proportion to how much you love the written word, how much you've been shaped by it.

Sorry for the inarticulate ramble -- I love your BTVS writing and just wanted to pop in and show some support!

[seraphcelene]

It's performance, judged by our audience. Craving the attention goes with the territory. Personally, I don't think that's a bad thing at all. It just .is.

Dude. Word. When I can step away from myself, I can remember that, but sometimes it's damned hard, especially when I write something that I'm really proud of.


From my POV it's natural to put writers on a pedestal and to feel unworthy in comparison, but I think that reaction is probably felt in proportion to how much you love the written word, how much you've been shaped by it.

Dude!! That resonates so much!! I've been reading since, like, the day that I was born. Always known as the girl with the book and the words. Words. They mean so very much. It's the shape of the world. The meaning of everything. My first thought is always, how do I express that. Words do so much and there are so many moments that I remember according to the books I read at the time and the words in my head.

AH!! Perfect. Perfect. You made me delirious with that. *sigh* Good Job. :)

[chrisleeoctaves.livejournal.com]

I respond to every single piece of feedback I receive in an effort to drive my numbers up.

*g*

I think you qualify as a writer if you write. I don't think it matters *what* you write...but as a reader it's extremely helpful to me that you write the good stuff because that's what I like to read.

I don't think that you're an anomaly because you want reassurance. If we wrote solely for ourselves, our fic would end up in a folder on our computers and never see the light of day. The fact that we seek a community of writers we admire (something that my thesis advisor always told me was important for a writer) and readers who will offer up praise/crit/affirmation/support...is part of the process.

I want people to read me. I want *more* people to read me. But it's not a popularity contest, really. (Despite what the numbers might say.) For me, if I can reel in someone who wouldn't normally read B/A, or if I can write a pairing I wouldn't normally write and do it well...that's what it's all about to me.

[lettered.livejournal.com]

I respond to every single piece of feedback I receive in an effort to drive my numbers up.

How much do I love you for saying that? OMG, you rock!

[seraphcelene]

The fact that we seek a community of writers we admire (something that my thesis advisor always told me was important for a writer) and readers who will offer up praise/crit/affirmation/support...is part of the process.

That is awesome. I've always been afraid to share my writing -- delusions of grandeur and all. I think that the relative anonymity of LJ makes it easier, but it's still a struggle. To think of it as part of the process is just awesome. I guess I feel less isolated, less strange (haha --- can ya'll see my issues yet?).

I think that this discussion has been terribly helpful. If I can learn to re-frame my interactions with the writing process perhaps I can become less afraid of it and therefore more accepting of my place in this grand writerly culture.
So, adding onto my goals for the year, for life: embrace.

:)

[lettered.livejournal.com]

And btw, seraphcelene, I agree with everything Chris just said. You are a writer because you write. And you write excellently, at that.

I'm supremely confident about my writing, as I'm sure I've made clear. I'm also one of those people who, if not for the internet, would have fanfic in a folder on my computer that no one would ever see--I do it for me, and I like to do it, and nothing anyone says will ever stop me.

That said, I love to have people pay attention to me. And no matter how good I think I am, it would make me feel bad if I didn't get the attention I feel I deserve. And though I'm really really happy with all the attention I do get--I think it's quite a lot, especially considering the nature of some of the stuff I turn out--I always think I deserve more, and I always want more. And more than just numbers, I want specific people who's writing I admire to come and say, "hey that's good," and when they don't, I notice, and it makes me a little sad.

But I don't think it's wrong to want more, no matter how much you get. I think it's just a human nature thing. And I think you and I both know, logically, that it isn't about how many pieces of fb we get, or anything like that. But both of us can't help looking at those little numbers, and feeling differently.

[seraphcelene]

And more than just numbers, I want specific people who's writing I admire to come and say, "hey that's good," and when they don't, I notice, and it makes me a little sad.

Aiya! That the hammer on the head of the nail. *sigh* I always let the numbers thing go much quicker when certain other writers reply. It makes me smile and squee and I do have the happy.

It's good to realize that I'm not the only one craving a particular sort of fd, not just hey that's great, but something more substantive. It bothers me, greatly, to feel so very needy. I am astonished. But as chrisleeoctaves has pointed out, there is a reason that we seek out a community of writers.

I'd write fic regardless, hell, I have a whole folder of it in the back of my closet from junior high *shudder* but there's something about putting it out in the world that encourages me to push past the limits of my comfort because hey, people are going to see it. So, I've got more reason to make it shiny. :)

I love you guys, Man!

[lettered.livejournal.com]

It bothers me, greatly, to feel so very needy.

Just going to reiterate: it shouldn't bother you. Most of us feel the same way. We just don't come out and admit it.

there's something about putting it out in the world that encourages me to push past the limits of my comfort because hey, people are going to see it

I know exactly what you mean. The fic I wrote before Jossverse was almost always big epic plotty shipper fic, because it comes to me easily and I find it relaxing. But in those days, I just wrote and posted, and rarely interacted in fandom proper, as it were. I got into Jossverse and lj almost simultaneously, and being in the community, knowing the people who were reading my stuff, and knowing, at last, that people really were reading and enjoying--really caused me to push the envelope on where I went with prose. I've done some really experimental things recently I wouldn't've tried without interacting with others who read my writing.