The Good, the Bad and the Ugly: a small-time niche writer's journey towards self-acceptance

[seraphcelene]

I am not a writer. Let that be the first thing that I say. If you met me and asked what I like to do in my spare time, my response would be: "I like to read and watch TV."

The first time that I met one of Stellabelle's dear friends, he said, "So, you're a writer." My immediate reply was, "Oh, no. Not me." But Stellabelle (who is a writer, published and teaching Creative Writing at NYU) had said that I was. I'd given her fanfic the summer we were all in London and she told me to stop wasting my time with things that I can't publish. Needless to say, I was over the moon. Still, I was and remain, tentative in regards to my own ability to put create beautiful, resonant prose. Even coming from Stellabelle, someone I adore and admire, I cannot seem to allow myself to be called a writer.

This is what must be understood when we get into the debate over concrit, feedback, LJ and BNF's.

So. Moving on.

I get good feedback. Even better, I get feedback from writer's that I admire. So, why is it that I clamor for more, always more? Quantity doesn't necessarily trump quality, but in LJ-land where my eyes are inevitably drawn to that little number beside the word comments, it's traumatizing, at least for me, when fic remains in the single digits. It's why I so often wait to respond. I want to see if anyone else has anything to say and I don't want my responses to drive up the count. Sad, but true.

Having been recently reassured by writer's, again, that I admire (glossing and chrisleeoctaves I am looking at you), why do I find it so difficult to get past the desire for mass adoration. I am a niche writer. I know that. I accept that. The responses I get are always flattering, kind, and very often detailed. And again, I get feedback from people that I admire, as either writers or as people with good taste and sense, and not just because they are complimenting my fic: thawrecka, dafnap, diachrony, kormantic, tkp, violetsmiles, moireach, moonwhip (once my beta and now a doctoral candidate) and plenty others that I know I'm missing.

So, what is it about my confidence in my writing ability that prevents me from saying "this is good"? Why is it that I need others to tell me it is so?

Partially, I know, it's because to say that I am a writer just sounds, to my ears, pretentious. How on Earth could *I*, little ole me, be a writer?

I am attempting to move beyond that. It's an ongoing process. And if I am petulant, bitter or depressed on occasion because the masses don't adore me, please bear with me. I promise to curb most of the vitriol. Even in my confused, heated brain I recognize that it is unwarranted because I have the quality feedback. Quantity really isn't everything.

Comments

[seraphcelene]

And more than just numbers, I want specific people who's writing I admire to come and say, "hey that's good," and when they don't, I notice, and it makes me a little sad.

Aiya! That the hammer on the head of the nail. *sigh* I always let the numbers thing go much quicker when certain other writers reply. It makes me smile and squee and I do have the happy.

It's good to realize that I'm not the only one craving a particular sort of fd, not just hey that's great, but something more substantive. It bothers me, greatly, to feel so very needy. I am astonished. But as chrisleeoctaves has pointed out, there is a reason that we seek out a community of writers.

I'd write fic regardless, hell, I have a whole folder of it in the back of my closet from junior high *shudder* but there's something about putting it out in the world that encourages me to push past the limits of my comfort because hey, people are going to see it. So, I've got more reason to make it shiny. :)

I love you guys, Man!

[lettered.livejournal.com]

It bothers me, greatly, to feel so very needy.

Just going to reiterate: it shouldn't bother you. Most of us feel the same way. We just don't come out and admit it.

there's something about putting it out in the world that encourages me to push past the limits of my comfort because hey, people are going to see it

I know exactly what you mean. The fic I wrote before Jossverse was almost always big epic plotty shipper fic, because it comes to me easily and I find it relaxing. But in those days, I just wrote and posted, and rarely interacted in fandom proper, as it were. I got into Jossverse and lj almost simultaneously, and being in the community, knowing the people who were reading my stuff, and knowing, at last, that people really were reading and enjoying--really caused me to push the envelope on where I went with prose. I've done some really experimental things recently I wouldn't've tried without interacting with others who read my writing.