Cupid Bow Mouth

Seriously! I have lost contact with the world. I can't tell up from down or in from out, night from day. Exhaustion is my default and pilot week kicked into gear without me being aware. I am all kdramas these days because its easy and cycles regularly. They begin and end and something takes their place. Monday and Tuesdays - I Am Legend, Wednesday and Thursday - My Girlfriend is a Gumiho, Saturday and Sunday (when I can be bothered) - Definitely Neighbor. Then I stream Stars Falling or whatever it's called. No hiatus, everything at least twice a week. Like clockwork. Days and dramas and classes.

Classes, hah! Two of which I have dropped. a2zmom thoughtfully (lovingly? I could use some love right now) warned me not to work a full schedule and go to school full time, but I had to do it my way. Three weeks in and I realized that I was too far in over my head, drowning in deadlines and reading materials and new jargon. Individualized Education Programs, Emerging Adulthood, Terminal Objectives. Then they expected me to do 45 hours of observations plus six and where the fuck was I supposed to do all of that? WHEN?! Because then as if I really didn't have enough to do, I was waist deep in wedding coordination stuff. I am sure that I have more gray hairs than I did a month ago. (I was very cute at the wedding, though. Or so I have been told. Hot is the adjective of choice, but so far I haven't seen any photographic evidence to support this claim. I was too busy racing around in my four inch heels that left my big toes still semi numb.) Now that the wedding is over I feel drained and lonely and dissatisfied. Everyone from Germany is going back on Friday. I am back in the daily grind and this life is not the one that I picked. Mine, the one I chose, never showed up in the mail. It got re-routed somehow to Spring. I keep trying to figure out how to get things back on track without causing too much damage. I'm not sure if that's possible. It's scary if it's not possible.

Meanwhile, there are some good things afoot, I suppose. I have definitely learned that I DO NOT want to teach the children. Teaching and English were always kinda synonymous in my head. Come to find out they are not. The kids in my classes (and indeed they are all ten years my junior and way wet behind the ears) like teaching for the sake of it. I love studying literature. I love the subject. High School is not the place for me. Those two classes that I dropped? That was partially in response to the realization that HS is not my cup of tea. Then I met another kid in another class and he clued me in on Adult Education programs and that led me to the Graduate Certificate in Community College Education. 18 units later (2 semesters at best) and I could be done. I wish that I had known back in July when I was registering. This semester would look very, very, very different.

Still ... I am not a failure. My Psych Prof (as he signed my withdrawal papers) reminded me not to beat myself up too much about it. It happens. It's amazing that the stress must have been smeared all across my face because ... yeah ... kinda feeling like a loser right about now. I am the Wackness.

Meanwhile. Meanwhile. I continue to hate my job and my boss continues to be crazy. I need to do some more planning and find a solution that can really work. I keep falling into these haphazard situations out of desperation and really weird opportunity. I keep trying to direct these things, but I don't seem to be doing a very good job.

OMG! But seriously.

I cannot believe that I am about to fail my first real assignment. This makes no sense.

[Pastor Jones] insisted that Musri had guaranteed the Islamic centre would be moved. "I asked him three times, and I have witnesses," Jones said. "If it's not moved, then I think Islam is a very poor example of religion. I think that would be very pitiful. I do not expect that."
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/sep/10/florida-pastor-cancels-burn-qur-an-anniversary-9-11


So, what you're saying is that blaming an entire religion for the acts of a few of its members and then burning their Holy Book is a good example of religion? I guess, then all 1.2 billion Roman Catholics running around the planet should be held accountable for molesting those kids.

Ok.

Just wondering.

And exactly what kind of outreach does the Dove World Outreach Center engage in?

Me, just want to make sure that I understand.

OMG! You guys!! School starts tonight!!!!!

I'm spamming. I know, you guys, I know. But my life has been ... indescribable these days and I feel like spamming. Plus, tomorrow is my day off and I'm sitting here drinking chardonnay and contemplating the ice cream cookie sandwich thing in my freezer.


Anyway, I was going to say that occasionally, usually on a Friday after a monstrously stressful week, I like to lay on my floor and drink a half a bottle of white wine. And eat cake. Sometimes, Ho-Ho's.

I know.

This story sounds remarkably like mine:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/29/your-money/student-loans/29money.html

Only difference is that I got two degrees out of it, neither of which amounted to much. Because of the debt problem it took me five years to decide to get a teaching credential. Although I've gotten into the program, I'm waiting to see what my financial aid will look like to determine if I can actually attend. Honestly, if I don't get the fin aid, I don't get the credential because I can't afford it. Who really can. One of the interesting things about this article is that as Lieber dally's with the idea of assigning blame, no mention is ever made of the social quandary that is higher education in the U.S. Ideas of prestige and necessity are tangled up in the rhetoric that insists that a four year degree is required for a meaningful future. After you're all jazzed up by the idea that a)you MUST go to college and b) you must go to a GOOD (usually translating into expensive) school there is the price tag. Higher Education is out of most people's budgets but we're all led to believe that to have a future we need the degree. Of course, this article is from a strictly financial perspective, but it's no mistake that American youth are being set-up for failure. We need the degree. To get the degree, we need money. College isn't getting any cheaper and the students foot the bill to their detriment. A lot of kids, myself included, start off their bright shiny future in the hole. If by some miracle I get the financial aid I need for the teaching credential, which doesn't look very likely, to be frank, I have already picked a couple of financial planner's to help me get rid of the debt as soon as possible. There are tons of stories about people who clawed their way out of credit card debit without filing bankruptcy, so why not me and my school loans?

And there's another thing. I find it particularly ridiculous that school debt isn't dischargable in bankruptcy court, especially private school loans. I've known quite a few people who have run up credit card debt, well into five figures, just shopping. They make bad decisions and yet they are allowed an out to re-set. But for those in pursuit of higher education and a better future that didn't end well have very few options, and what options are available are limited. I just don't get it. I can gamble with money that isn't mine on anything except for my future. The future that I'm told I can only really have if I get a college degree.

Admittedly, I just don't get it. What I see is not just bad decisions on the part of students and their parents, but also by society and a system that doesn't seem to care about selling out their youth in hot pursuit of loan fees. It's all business and don't let anyone sell you on the idea that it's not. I had a lot of money thrown at me so that I could go to school and I took it thinking that I'd get the degree and then I'd get the job and then I'd pay it all back. Well, that's not quite what happened. Life kinda got in the way and I ended up caring for a terminal parent and two younger siblings. Now, as I try to scrape my way out of my financial mess while also attempting to create an actual career in which I could be happy. I don't know. I'm behind the 8 ball on this one, and scholarships aren't exactly thick on the ground for people with my background. On paper it's all great, but the reality is that I made bad decisions and things didn't work out and, well ... hind sight is always 20/20. If I had it to do all over again, I would do it very, very differently. Mostly, you don't think that things aren't going to work out when you're young. I thought that brass ring was mine.

And here's a thought, instead of offering financial literacy as part of a college program after the loan papers have been signed, how about offering it in high school so that students are really aware of what they are getting themselves into BEFORE they get into it. But that would be too easy.

Although, I have every intention of paying back my school loans, by hook or by crook, come hell or high water, you also can't get blood from a turnip.

Or at least that's what my Aunt always tells me.

So, I've been playing with the idea of opening a blogger account under my "reals" name for my review posts. I don't want to cross meat and cyberspace, but I am also thinking of a "wider" net as it were. I have some RL friends who have blogger accounts where LJ is all my gorgeous fandom peeps.

Also! Anybody good at resumes? I could use some feedback on the restructure I am doing. Transitioning careers and all, I read that a functional resume is probably a better bet.

Having zero control is frustrating and difficult. All of the applications are in. All of the back-up documentation is in. I am just waiting! My future is in someone else's hands. This is HARD, you guys! I can't effectively influence anything at this point. I'm just waiting to see if they let me in and if they do, how much money they will give/loan me.

On top of all that, I missed my EDD interview by seconds. I called and left a message and now I am waiting for them to call me back. Really, day?! REALLY?! I was riding high on my new decisions and being all proactive and stuff and then this. I need a nap, only I kind of need to be up right now. ARGH!!!!

Just in case anyone missed it, the Wolf Moon really was as awesome as they said it would be. Big and brighter than bright! And then there was Mars twinkling right next to it, a red-ish pinprick in the sky.

It was all pretty damn awesome.

Birthdays are happy things. "I am happy that you were born" is what people mean when they wish you a Happy Birthday (and if they don't mean that, well, then they should). Birthdays are happy things, but sometimes they are also sad, or magical or difficult or cranky, or lamented. Sometimes birthdays exist in varying combinations.

My birthday has been a little bit of everything. I've been celebrating since Friday night because even if no one else is, right now, I am happy that I was born. I like me mostly as I am, even if no one else does. Not that I worry, because my people love me, of that I am quite sure.

Friday was difficult, it rained all day. The heavens have been weeping over Southern California for well over a week. Long Beach has been flooded and I have been challenged to stay warm and keep my feet dry. Friday was also cranky. I was PMS'ing and bored and not looking forward to driving in the rain. But I had tickets to see Kooza, Cirque du Soleil's most recent traveling show. So, I went home and changed clothes and dolled up just the littlest bit and drove in the rain to Irvine, to where a big blue and yellow tent waved flags at me and invited me to smile despite the rain. We have a history, me and that tent, and part of the reason that I went was to indulge in a little old fashion nostalgia. And it was perfect. Someone told me I was "stunningly beautiful", the show was exciting and frightening and endearing, by turns and I was nearly part of the show. On Friday, my birthday was magical.

Saturday, my birthday began sad and difficult. People called me about my student loans and there seems to be some confusion that must now be untangled. I went shopping for shoes that I should not have bought, and that will shortly be returned, in a desperate attempt to make myself feel better. Standing in the mirror at the store, trying on clothes that I knew I wasn't going to buy, I stared at all my gray hairs (thanks, Mom!) and recalled that earlier phone call and decided that I was old and tired. So, I began to lament the fact that my birthday was just around the corner.

But then there was lunch with a dear friend and her boyfriend, to which they brought my gorgeous red and orange and yellow Gerber daisies. We had coffee and crepes and talked for two hours. We covered everything, lamentations about age and regrets, the joy of kdramas, the terror of panic attacks. When we parted my birthday was a happy one again.

Then there was dinner with friends at a Peruvian restaurant. I was given gifts and fried plantains and beer. There was awesome company and good conversation. I am loved. A Happy Birthday.

Sunday, the Colts decided they really did want to go to the Super Bowl and shut down the Jets. I slept lots and cleaned some and ate leftovers and popcorn with M & M's. I read romance novels and a few pages of Anansi Boys and my birthday continued to be good.

Today I am officially 33. Today has been a very good day. I had calls and emails and Facebook messages. Friends bought me Sushi and Girl Scout Cookies and told me they loved me. I am happy. There are eleven months of question marks stretched out ahead of me and this birthday doesn't feel like doom. There is a red velvet cupcake in my refrigerator with a white candle stuck in the middle just waiting to be lit. I am pondering what wish I will make. But if I can't think of one, I will just say thank you. Because today, thirty-three years ago, I was born.