My LJ: Cupid Bow Mouth re-discovered

[seraphcelene]

There has, in very recent posts, been a marked change in the nature of my LJ. This change will continue. If you haven't figured out what the difference is, let me point out an interest in meta-text, sub-text, politics and the academic. More thinky type thoughts.

The difference is tied to why I opened an LJ and my initial reactions to such a varied interactive community.



I begin LJ as an exercise in writing and to keep friends back home abreast of the my travels. Summer three years ago I was in London and it seemed that LJ would be the easiest, most convenient way to post stories about what I was up to. Of course, I became mre active in fandom and everything changed. My LJ became less about staying connected with RL friends and more about interacting with members of my fandoms: Roswell, Farscape, BtVS and Angel.

The thing is, and what I realized much later, I was afraid to be completely open and real on LJ because I was afraid of people not liking me. Something I don't worry about in RL because I have friends already. On LJ, I couldn't tell if I had an audience, if I was being read and if my lack of an audience had to do with my race, my politics, my fic or my interpretation of canon. My response was to be as polite and inoffensive as possible. However, in choosing that route I ended up setting myself up for a less than fulfilling LJ experience. Sure, I met people, had great discussions and read wonderful fic and commentary. But, I was totally holding back. All of the really interesting and provocative thoughts that I had and discussion that I wanted to have were carefully modulated to what I thought would be more 'user friendly'.

It was only a couple of weeks ago that I really, really, truly contemplated deleting my LJ because I was getting bored. I took a moment to analyze WHY I was so bored with a medium full of fiercely intelligent people. My conclusion was that it had less to do with the fact that I am not one of the 'popular' fic writers, or the fact that I only write 'dark!fic'. The truth was that I allowed my own reticence to prevent me from fully participating in fandom.

The truth is that I am female. I am nearly thirty. I am black. I have a B.A. from UC Santa Barbara and a Master's from NYU. I studied Medieval Literature, and Folklore. My interests continue to be wide and varied. I have thoughts, big thoughts, silly thoughts, provocative thoughts. There's no real reason why any of this should be a hindrance to my LJ experience.

So! My biggest thought thus far? Incorporate everything into Cupid Bow Mouth. I've decided not to be shy and not to be afraid to ask the questions that I want answers to. In RL, I am known as the honest one. I'm the one who always says what she means and means what she says. I am known as 'The Mean One' because I have no problem with being the bad guy or not being liked. I am the 'Smart One' because everything to me relates and it always works its way into an academic discussion. Exactly HOW did I become the opposite person online? How did I become someone that I only recognized out of the corner of my eye?

The result of my self-assessment and new resolution can be seen in my last few posts: Politics and Ballroom Dancing, Universe Appropriation Among Fic Writers, Writing and Character Conflict. There are plenty more things in the works, including an upcoming essay on Life, Death and Gender in BtVS and Angel, and a reading of Cordelia as archetype: Monster Mother and Sleeping Beauty.

I've determined that since this is MY LJ, I should run it as I see fit and worry not about the audience, the comments, or the lack of either. I need to stretch my creative and academic muscles and I intend to do just that.

I really do hope that you all will continue on this journey with me. You know that I love having you here.

Comments

[lettered.livejournal.com]

I noticed! I wondered what was up! But it made me happy, because, META!

The whole issue about What To Share On LJ is big, and there's not nearly enough discussion about it (redbrickrose did a cool post a while back here). I started mine for purely fandom purposes, which is why I tend not to talk about personal stuff. But actually, I don't talk about personal stuff that much to friends or family, either; I find it difficult to express what I feel about what's going on in my life, and what actually is going on is usually boring! I much prefer to talk about ideas or real world conceptual stuff like religion or philosophy or politics when I'm not talking about fictional stuff, rather than what I did last night. But that's me!

Anyway, not about personal stuff, but about just talking freely about your ideas etc--it's a different party from rl, where you just go and mingle. You're basically standing here in your own space hoping people will come listen to what you're saying. I mean, yeah, you can go read other people's journals, but when you really have something to say you're by yourself in your own journal, you know? So, making it user friendly, definitely understandable. And I try really hard to make my journal user friendly, too. My posts aren't usually about What I Think, but What I Think And Now Convince Me Otherwise, Or Agree, Or Discuss. I want it to be about interaction, because if I just wanted a place to post my thoughts, I'd have a private journal.

But yeah, it's possible to go too far in that direction, to only post about what you think will interest others, and stuff, and then it's no longer your space at all any more. I guess I see my lj as MY party--my thoughts, myself, my discussions--but I also really really want everyone to come. I'm lucky in that people've made me feel welcome here, so I feel like I can say what I really think and really want, and people will still be interested. And sometimes when I say the things that I think are really inflammatory, or that'll make people mad, or that disagrees with everyone, or is just me spouting off without a thought for making fruitful discussion out of it--sometimes that's when people reply the most! But yeah, you know, sometimes I put a lot of thought into a post or idea or fic, and few people comment or pay attention--and that's not really a loss, you know? I extended a hand and few took it, but at least it was MY hand.

Um. I'm babbling. I feel strongly about this, too. I used to be really outgoing, but since college developed this really weird reserved shyness complex which made me a much more polite, insightful, and nice person, but also made me really makes me hang back a lot in rl. It upsets me. Finding the balance between engaging people, making them feel welcome, being understanding of others--and still be true to yourself, saying what you think, sharing who you are, to me that's a central thing in life. And lj isn't really different.

Which is all about me me me. What I really want to say is I love this post, and love that you're gonna be metating more because not enough people on my flist do, and I can't wait to see those essays you got lined up, I'm always interested in anything you have to say, and let it all hang out there, 'cause I like you for you from what I've seen of you, and I know other people do too.

OMG I RAMBLE.

[lettered.livejournal.com]

Oops, this (http://redbrickrose.livejournal.com/140916.html) is the link to redbrickrose's discussion. It's not the same thing you're talking about at all, but I thought you might find it interesting in terms of your changed ideas about what your journal is for/who might be reading, etc.

[seraphcelene]

I much prefer to talk about ideas or real world conceptual stuff like religion or philosophy or politics when I'm not talking about fictional stuff

YAY!!!! You're hitting my kinks, baby!!

My posts aren't usually about What I Think, but What I Think And Now Convince Me Otherwise, Or Agree, Or Discuss. I want it to be about interaction, because if I just wanted a place to post my thoughts, I'd have a private journal.

Amen to that! I definitely want interaction, so I've been trying to frame my thoughts with that in mind. Writing and inquiring as I go so that others will participate in a dialogue. Sometimes it seems to work, sometimes not so much. But! I've only just really begun, and I shall persevere.

since college developed this really weird reserved shyness complex which made me a much more polite, insightful, and nice person, but also made me really makes me hang back a lot in rl.

I went the opposite direction. I got so irritated that no one spoke in discussions that I felt the need to talk. Sometimes it was just me and the Prof. having a conversation. Neat but annoying.

And just so you know, this too was kinda inspired by you. Way back when I first started swinging by your LJ you did a YAY! Vagina post that I LOVED and I always think about how cool it is to just go there and say what's on your mind about whatever. When I realized I was posting mucho meme's because I had Nothing Better To Do, I re-visited that post and what it meant to me for someone to be so coolly embracing. And I thought, hey, I can do that, too.

So many people have such interesting ideas and if I don't want to disappear for lack of my own interest, I decided to make this all more fun for me.

So!!!! I can't wait to get all meta and discuss and challenge and talk and still be silly and fun and chock full o' sex and naughtiness.

Yay! Vagina!!

[lettered.livejournal.com]

Yeah, lj is entirely what you make of it. I mean, if you yourself are not interested by what you're posting, it's going to get old quickly. So even the posts few people comment on, I have lots of fun with.

I have fun with my vagina, too!

[seraphcelene]

I have fun with my vagina, too!

*snicker*

Awesome.