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There has, in very recent posts, been a marked change in the nature of my LJ. This change will continue. If you haven't figured out what the difference is, let me point out an interest in meta-text, sub-text, politics and the academic. More thinky type thoughts.
The difference is tied to why I opened an LJ and my initial reactions to such a varied interactive community.
I begin LJ as an exercise in writing and to keep friends back home abreast of the my travels. Summer three years ago I was in London and it seemed that LJ would be the easiest, most convenient way to post stories about what I was up to. Of course, I became mre active in fandom and everything changed. My LJ became less about staying connected with RL friends and more about interacting with members of my fandoms: Roswell, Farscape, BtVS and Angel.
The thing is, and what I realized much later, I was afraid to be completely open and real on LJ because I was afraid of people not liking me. Something I don't worry about in RL because I have friends already. On LJ, I couldn't tell if I had an audience, if I was being read and if my lack of an audience had to do with my race, my politics, my fic or my interpretation of canon. My response was to be as polite and inoffensive as possible. However, in choosing that route I ended up setting myself up for a less than fulfilling LJ experience. Sure, I met people, had great discussions and read wonderful fic and commentary. But, I was totally holding back. All of the really interesting and provocative thoughts that I had and discussion that I wanted to have were carefully modulated to what I thought would be more 'user friendly'.
It was only a couple of weeks ago that I really, really, truly contemplated deleting my LJ because I was getting bored. I took a moment to analyze WHY I was so bored with a medium full of fiercely intelligent people. My conclusion was that it had less to do with the fact that I am not one of the 'popular' fic writers, or the fact that I only write 'dark!fic'. The truth was that I allowed my own reticence to prevent me from fully participating in fandom.
The truth is that I am female. I am nearly thirty. I am black. I have a B.A. from UC Santa Barbara and a Master's from NYU. I studied Medieval Literature, and Folklore. My interests continue to be wide and varied. I have thoughts, big thoughts, silly thoughts, provocative thoughts. There's no real reason why any of this should be a hindrance to my LJ experience.
So! My biggest thought thus far? Incorporate everything into Cupid Bow Mouth. I've decided not to be shy and not to be afraid to ask the questions that I want answers to. In RL, I am known as the honest one. I'm the one who always says what she means and means what she says. I am known as 'The Mean One' because I have no problem with being the bad guy or not being liked. I am the 'Smart One' because everything to me relates and it always works its way into an academic discussion. Exactly HOW did I become the opposite person online? How did I become someone that I only recognized out of the corner of my eye?
The result of my self-assessment and new resolution can be seen in my last few posts: Politics and Ballroom Dancing, Universe Appropriation Among Fic Writers, Writing and Character Conflict. There are plenty more things in the works, including an upcoming essay on Life, Death and Gender in BtVS and Angel, and a reading of Cordelia as archetype: Monster Mother and Sleeping Beauty.
I've determined that since this is MY LJ, I should run it as I see fit and worry not about the audience, the comments, or the lack of either. I need to stretch my creative and academic muscles and I intend to do just that.
I really do hope that you all will continue on this journey with me. You know that I love having you here.
The difference is tied to why I opened an LJ and my initial reactions to such a varied interactive community.
I begin LJ as an exercise in writing and to keep friends back home abreast of the my travels. Summer three years ago I was in London and it seemed that LJ would be the easiest, most convenient way to post stories about what I was up to. Of course, I became mre active in fandom and everything changed. My LJ became less about staying connected with RL friends and more about interacting with members of my fandoms: Roswell, Farscape, BtVS and Angel.
The thing is, and what I realized much later, I was afraid to be completely open and real on LJ because I was afraid of people not liking me. Something I don't worry about in RL because I have friends already. On LJ, I couldn't tell if I had an audience, if I was being read and if my lack of an audience had to do with my race, my politics, my fic or my interpretation of canon. My response was to be as polite and inoffensive as possible. However, in choosing that route I ended up setting myself up for a less than fulfilling LJ experience. Sure, I met people, had great discussions and read wonderful fic and commentary. But, I was totally holding back. All of the really interesting and provocative thoughts that I had and discussion that I wanted to have were carefully modulated to what I thought would be more 'user friendly'.
It was only a couple of weeks ago that I really, really, truly contemplated deleting my LJ because I was getting bored. I took a moment to analyze WHY I was so bored with a medium full of fiercely intelligent people. My conclusion was that it had less to do with the fact that I am not one of the 'popular' fic writers, or the fact that I only write 'dark!fic'. The truth was that I allowed my own reticence to prevent me from fully participating in fandom.
The truth is that I am female. I am nearly thirty. I am black. I have a B.A. from UC Santa Barbara and a Master's from NYU. I studied Medieval Literature, and Folklore. My interests continue to be wide and varied. I have thoughts, big thoughts, silly thoughts, provocative thoughts. There's no real reason why any of this should be a hindrance to my LJ experience.
So! My biggest thought thus far? Incorporate everything into Cupid Bow Mouth. I've decided not to be shy and not to be afraid to ask the questions that I want answers to. In RL, I am known as the honest one. I'm the one who always says what she means and means what she says. I am known as 'The Mean One' because I have no problem with being the bad guy or not being liked. I am the 'Smart One' because everything to me relates and it always works its way into an academic discussion. Exactly HOW did I become the opposite person online? How did I become someone that I only recognized out of the corner of my eye?
The result of my self-assessment and new resolution can be seen in my last few posts: Politics and Ballroom Dancing, Universe Appropriation Among Fic Writers, Writing and Character Conflict. There are plenty more things in the works, including an upcoming essay on Life, Death and Gender in BtVS and Angel, and a reading of Cordelia as archetype: Monster Mother and Sleeping Beauty.
I've determined that since this is MY LJ, I should run it as I see fit and worry not about the audience, the comments, or the lack of either. I need to stretch my creative and academic muscles and I intend to do just that.
I really do hope that you all will continue on this journey with me. You know that I love having you here.
no subject
Date: 2006-10-17 02:13 pm (UTC)From:*snicker*
Awesome.