because it's one a.m. and I'm obviously not having sex

He's a benighted arachnophobic gangster looking for 'the Big One.' She's a cosmopolitan Bolivian bounty hunter descended from a line of powerful witches. They fight crime!

courtesy of They Fight Crime

Ah! your irresistible thrust has murdered at once my maidenhead, and very nearly me!
courtesy of Victoria Sex Cry generator

Behold, thou shalt be pursued into the mountains by sex-mad baboons, O ye dabbler in abominations!

courtesy of Biblical Curse Geneator

I captain this ship

The Cat hates to have an empty food bowl. It's not that she's hungry, far from it. It's simply the fact that she can see the yellow bottom of that bowl staring back up at her. She woke me this morning at 8am, meowing out in the hallway and when I fail to respond she comes bounding into the bedroom, jumps on my bed and parks herself right next to my head. I ignore her, as per usual, because this is *my* house and I'll get up when I'm good and ready.

Of course that isn't quick enough for her, so she purrs in my ear and licks my arms. I pull the blanket over my head and roll over. Of course now I am wide awake and stubbornly lying there. It's the principal of the thing, damnit!

Finally, I get up and she chases me down, BUT, bathroom pit stop first because I have needs too. This morning she gets locked out because there is nothing more disconcerting than watching those slitted yellow eyes stare up at me while I try to take a piss.

Out in the hallway she chases me to the kitchen, if I move too slow she NIPS at my feet! The nerve!! We fill her bowl and she sniffs at it, takes a bite or two and then wanders off. Back to Cleatus's room and a nap.

...

Spoiled Bitch!