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sometimes there's got to be a manifesto
Oct. 15th, 2007 10:26 pmTo be honest, right now, I want to cry.
This whole thing with Yueltide and![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kita0610 and intolerance in fandom has left me confounded. It isn't a new issue, I know. I'll apologize right now for my incoherence because ... yeah ... rats!
I usually don't make much a statement when this general topic, inevitably, rears its head. There are so many others who are far more eloquent then I am. My ability to articulate is, to my detriment, as tied to my emotions as to my intellect. What I mean is that when I don't understand something, or when I am impassioned or infuriated, I lose all my words.
This subject makes me lose my words.
But, before this simmers down, before it gets shoved back into the kettle, under the bed and in the closet, I'd like to say a few things.
I am invisible in fandom. I do it on purpose. I do it because I live everyday with the knowledge that I am not "one of you". I can't hide it, I can't pass anywhere else except on the Internets. For a long time I worked really, really hard not to let anything but my feminist slip peek out from under my dress. Slowly, a little bit at a time, I allowed some of my tan to show.
Why?
Because I am afraid. Every time I enter into a new situation, I am afraid. I am afraid that people will look at me and judge me because of the color of my skin. I am one of "those people". Colored, a nigger. Yes, I've been called both.
I never wanted to be "that girl". That uber-black, prickly, The Man has got his foot on my neck and race is everything person. I've only ever wanted to just be. To be accepted for who I am and the things that I like. To be someone who likes fantasy and sci-fi, heavy metal and rap, pop, anime, medieval art, history, travelling, pow-wows, comic books, literature, pop culture and everything else under the sun. I've always wanted to be who I am and not have to worry that it wasn't what I was supposed to be. Fandom gave me a little bit of an opportunity to do that, but then it started to bother me that I was suppressing a significant part of who I am. That part of me that is informed by my interactions with other people based upon my race, their reaction to it and vice versa. So I stopped trying to hide it and I don't regret having decided to do so.
Now, my self-confidence is solid. I know who I am and I like her. All of her, that's never been a problem with me. See, I've never been good at being someone else, but here, on LJ, I discovered that I left parts out. I wasn't a different person, but I was an amended version of me. And then one day I decided that I didn't like self-editing.
I don't know how to convey the deep sadness, disgust, anger, hopelessness and helplessness that intolerance (for race, religion, sexual orientation, gender, pick your poison) dredges up in me. I am continually surprised and exhausted by it. It's a varied and beautiful world, but then it gets so very, very ugly and that is depressing.
My point in saying all of this is that, it's not a game and it's not a joke. It isn't funny and people aren't just overreacting. The things you say or don't say, the things that you allow to be said or enacted around you, they matter. They affect people and change the world. We affect and change by choosing not to stand up, by choosing to be silent, by choosing to be invisible.
The progression away from that impulse began last year for me and every day it grows stronger. I have a voice. I plan to use it. I don't like to preach, but I've never hesitated to make a statement. It's odd, I am more vocal in my Real Life, perhaps because there is no place for me to hide and because I never learned how not to look someone in the eye and be honest. Here, where there are no eyes to see and where I don't have to put up with what I don't feel like dealing with, I have become somewhat complacent.
Well, fuck that.
Go read. Be informed. If your mind is open enough, be enlightened. It all applies. To everyone, all of us and all of them.
elishavah On Invisibility
lenadances On Having a Bodyguard with you on the Playground
This whole thing with Yueltide and
kita0610 and intolerance in fandom has left me confounded. It isn't a new issue, I know. I'll apologize right now for my incoherence because ... yeah ... rats! I usually don't make much a statement when this general topic, inevitably, rears its head. There are so many others who are far more eloquent then I am. My ability to articulate is, to my detriment, as tied to my emotions as to my intellect. What I mean is that when I don't understand something, or when I am impassioned or infuriated, I lose all my words.
This subject makes me lose my words.
But, before this simmers down, before it gets shoved back into the kettle, under the bed and in the closet, I'd like to say a few things.
I am invisible in fandom. I do it on purpose. I do it because I live everyday with the knowledge that I am not "one of you". I can't hide it, I can't pass anywhere else except on the Internets. For a long time I worked really, really hard not to let anything but my feminist slip peek out from under my dress. Slowly, a little bit at a time, I allowed some of my tan to show.
Why?
Because I am afraid. Every time I enter into a new situation, I am afraid. I am afraid that people will look at me and judge me because of the color of my skin. I am one of "those people". Colored, a nigger. Yes, I've been called both.
I never wanted to be "that girl". That uber-black, prickly, The Man has got his foot on my neck and race is everything person. I've only ever wanted to just be. To be accepted for who I am and the things that I like. To be someone who likes fantasy and sci-fi, heavy metal and rap, pop, anime, medieval art, history, travelling, pow-wows, comic books, literature, pop culture and everything else under the sun. I've always wanted to be who I am and not have to worry that it wasn't what I was supposed to be. Fandom gave me a little bit of an opportunity to do that, but then it started to bother me that I was suppressing a significant part of who I am. That part of me that is informed by my interactions with other people based upon my race, their reaction to it and vice versa. So I stopped trying to hide it and I don't regret having decided to do so.
Now, my self-confidence is solid. I know who I am and I like her. All of her, that's never been a problem with me. See, I've never been good at being someone else, but here, on LJ, I discovered that I left parts out. I wasn't a different person, but I was an amended version of me. And then one day I decided that I didn't like self-editing.
I don't know how to convey the deep sadness, disgust, anger, hopelessness and helplessness that intolerance (for race, religion, sexual orientation, gender, pick your poison) dredges up in me. I am continually surprised and exhausted by it. It's a varied and beautiful world, but then it gets so very, very ugly and that is depressing.
My point in saying all of this is that, it's not a game and it's not a joke. It isn't funny and people aren't just overreacting. The things you say or don't say, the things that you allow to be said or enacted around you, they matter. They affect people and change the world. We affect and change by choosing not to stand up, by choosing to be silent, by choosing to be invisible.
The progression away from that impulse began last year for me and every day it grows stronger. I have a voice. I plan to use it. I don't like to preach, but I've never hesitated to make a statement. It's odd, I am more vocal in my Real Life, perhaps because there is no place for me to hide and because I never learned how not to look someone in the eye and be honest. Here, where there are no eyes to see and where I don't have to put up with what I don't feel like dealing with, I have become somewhat complacent.
Well, fuck that.
Go read. Be informed. If your mind is open enough, be enlightened. It all applies. To everyone, all of us and all of them.
elishavah On Invisibility lenadances On Having a Bodyguard with you on the Playground
