sometimes there's got to be a manifesto

[seraphcelene]

To be honest, right now, I want to cry.

This whole thing with Yueltide and kita0610 and intolerance in fandom has left me confounded. It isn't a new issue, I know. I'll apologize right now for my incoherence because ... yeah ... rats!

I usually don't make much a statement when this general topic, inevitably, rears its head. There are so many others who are far more eloquent then I am. My ability to articulate is, to my detriment, as tied to my emotions as to my intellect. What I mean is that when I don't understand something, or when I am impassioned or infuriated, I lose all my words.

This subject makes me lose my words.

But, before this simmers down, before it gets shoved back into the kettle, under the bed and in the closet, I'd like to say a few things.

I am invisible in fandom. I do it on purpose. I do it because I live everyday with the knowledge that I am not "one of you". I can't hide it, I can't pass anywhere else except on the Internets. For a long time I worked really, really hard not to let anything but my feminist slip peek out from under my dress. Slowly, a little bit at a time, I allowed some of my tan to show.

Why?

Because I am afraid. Every time I enter into a new situation, I am afraid. I am afraid that people will look at me and judge me because of the color of my skin. I am one of "those people". Colored, a nigger. Yes, I've been called both.

I never wanted to be "that girl". That uber-black, prickly, The Man has got his foot on my neck and race is everything person. I've only ever wanted to just be. To be accepted for who I am and the things that I like. To be someone who likes fantasy and sci-fi, heavy metal and rap, pop, anime, medieval art, history, travelling, pow-wows, comic books, literature, pop culture and everything else under the sun. I've always wanted to be who I am and not have to worry that it wasn't what I was supposed to be. Fandom gave me a little bit of an opportunity to do that, but then it started to bother me that I was suppressing a significant part of who I am. That part of me that is informed by my interactions with other people based upon my race, their reaction to it and vice versa. So I stopped trying to hide it and I don't regret having decided to do so.

Now, my self-confidence is solid. I know who I am and I like her. All of her, that's never been a problem with me. See, I've never been good at being someone else, but here, on LJ, I discovered that I left parts out. I wasn't a different person, but I was an amended version of me. And then one day I decided that I didn't like self-editing.

I don't know how to convey the deep sadness, disgust, anger, hopelessness and helplessness that intolerance (for race, religion, sexual orientation, gender, pick your poison) dredges up in me. I am continually surprised and exhausted by it. It's a varied and beautiful world, but then it gets so very, very ugly and that is depressing.

My point in saying all of this is that, it's not a game and it's not a joke. It isn't funny and people aren't just overreacting. The things you say or don't say, the things that you allow to be said or enacted around you, they matter. They affect people and change the world. We affect and change by choosing not to stand up, by choosing to be silent, by choosing to be invisible.

The progression away from that impulse began last year for me and every day it grows stronger. I have a voice. I plan to use it. I don't like to preach, but I've never hesitated to make a statement. It's odd, I am more vocal in my Real Life, perhaps because there is no place for me to hide and because I never learned how not to look someone in the eye and be honest. Here, where there are no eyes to see and where I don't have to put up with what I don't feel like dealing with, I have become somewhat complacent.

Well, fuck that.

Go read. Be informed. If your mind is open enough, be enlightened. It all applies. To everyone, all of us and all of them.


elishavah On Invisibility

lenadances On Having a Bodyguard with you on the Playground

Comments

[diachrony.livejournal.com]

::Hugs::

I like it when you use your voice.

[seraphcelene]

Hey, mama. Thanks. I got really emotional last night. Kind of randomly, but I guess that I finally hit that wall and slurs really get piss me off. Calling someone out of their name is So. Not. Cool. It's hurtful and deliberate and hateful and when people are so cowardly that they can only shout it from the back of the crowd as anonymously as possible .... ARGH!!

Own your g-damn opinions.

How are you feeling, btw? How's the thumb?

[diachrony.livejournal.com]

People who say/do things like that near invariably do so in a cowardly fashion ... either hiding behind anonymity or by making sure they speak/act as part of a mob of the similarly hateful.

BTW, I had never heard the phrase "calling someone out of their name" before - I googled it up! I really do learn something new every day.

Oh the thumb is almost 100% - luckily - because I kept it chilled as much as possible for hours - that's what really kept it from real damage - blistering etc. And good ointment.

::hugs::

[darlas-mom.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetie. ::hugs:: This is beautiful. And I'm so, SO sorry we live in a world where any of this is even an issue.

[seraphcelene]

Thanks. This was a very uncharacteristic, very personal rant. I feel like I just showed the world my underwear, but I also feel like that is kind of the point. It's a very personal issue.

[a2zmom.livejournal.com]

I think you were beautifully eloquent and I thank you for sharing youself.

[seraphcelene]

Thank you!

[chrisleeoctaves.livejournal.com]

I just want you to know that I love you. I could care less about your skin colour (except that obviously it is an important part of who you are and how you live in this world), your religion (I am a heathen, myself, but I understand how many people take great comfort in faith) or your politics (although I respectfully retain my right to disagree if you were, say, a Bush supporter. *g*)

I don't know how we, as a society, could have learned so little about ourselves and the undeniable fact that we have to share this planet.

But- I think you're the bomb.
So there.

[seraphcelene]

:D

Thank you.

I don't know how we, as a society, could have learned so little about ourselves and the undeniable fact that we have to share this planet.

The most saddening part of all this is that people never seem to learn the lesson of tolerance and respect. You do have a right to your own opinion and beliefs and it isn't that difficult to be respectful enough to someone to say that these are valid points and, although I don't agree, I understand how these are things that are part of your reality and that affect you. Instead we get ugly ignorance and intolerance.

I usually remember that there are people, like you, who are awesome and beautiful human beings. Who "get" it. That usually makes me feel better, but yesterday ... yesterday, suddenly, I was very tired.

[minim_calibre]

My point in saying all of this is that, it's not a game and it's not a joke. It isn't funny and people aren't just overreacting. The things you say or don't say, the things that you allow to be said or enacted around you, they matter. They affect people and change the world. We affect and change by choosing not to stand up, by choosing to be silent, by choosing to be invisible.

You have a voice, and your voice is amazing. There was no lacking here in the eloquence department.

[seraphcelene]

Thank you.

[silvercobwebs.livejournal.com]

*adds to the love for your voice*
I wish I could put down my feeling in such an eloquent fashion.

[seraphcelene]

It's such a vulnerable thing to have done, but it's from the heart. It's what I struggled with when I wanted to post for IBARW.

::hugs you::

[kormantic.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that the world has ever given you a day that made you feel less than you absolutely are.

Re: ::hugs you::

[seraphcelene]

Your words are the exact sentiment that I'd like people to share. Thank you for that.

I always think that everyone has had that experience, in some fashion and on some level. Everyone. And it astounds me that it seems to be unrecognizable in others. Not the individual experience of alienation and degradation, but the simple fact of it.

[redbrickrose.livejournal.com]

I don't think you lost your words at all. This is very well said. *hugs*

[seraphcelene]

Thanks you.