seraphcelene: (it mocks me)
13K words in and I am officially backing away from NaNoWriMo. It's further than I have EVER gotten. Almost double my previous performances, in fact; I usually only make it to about 7K. This is one isn't working because I have only the vaguest idea of what I'm writing. It's too unfocused and I feel like I'm wasting my time writing unfocused material that will just be scrapped in the end, anyway. So, yeah.

October was supposed to be spent mapping the novel. Not necessarily drilling everything down into a schematic that would tell me every thing that needed to happen in every chapter, but I had planned to determine the theme beneath the concept. The major characters at play and what the point was going to be. I don't have that which is why I'm floundering. I've tried writing around those things, but it's just not working.

My other challenge is that I had two short stories to finish for an anthology that may never see the light of day, in which case, I will probably just post them sometime next year. The shorts were supposed to be completed and pubbed by Halloween but the other contributors to the anthology have blown through the deadline and there's no end in sight. They also never gave me second read notes, so I ended up having to delve into my wonderful writing group here for the beta. Kita and [personal profile] lettered gave me awesome notes, so now I'm working on polishing them up. ([profile] kita0610 thank you so much for trying! I really hope that you're feeling better!)

So, I think I'll spend the rest of the month doing what I was supposed to be doing last month, figuring out exactly what this *thing* is. I've been comparing everything I've been writing of late trying to see what works and what doesn't and why. Just analyzing my fanfic, I realize that the theme is key. I've always got a theme, a concept for what I'm writing. Something that extends beyond who the characters are to what this fic is about, what does it say about the characters. That's what's missing from the NaNo novel. The Presence of Departed Acts is Angel's guilt and hubris, his ego and arrogance, and his need to be miserable. One Thousand Kisses Deep is about identity, The Habit of Transferred Affections is about grief and the way that life goes on after someone dies. So, yeah.

Backing away and working out the details. I'll get back on it in January. January I've got a writing club planned with one o' my favorite writers. I think I wanted NaNo to work this year because I wanted to succeed at something this year. This year I've felt like the biggest failure of my entire life. Writing uber crap and knowing that I will never be as awesome as my favorite writers is making NaNo too hard to care about finishing. I don't JUST want to finish words. I want to write something worth editing. Something worth bothering with. So, I'll never be Caitlin Kiernan or Neil Gaiman. Okay, I won't ever be Melissa Marr or Holly Black or Nikki Gemmell or Toni Morrison. I've got to write in my voice and trying to force out words to meet a word count is not making me feel any confidence in my ability to write. I'm doubting myself right now. Maybe fandom is just too forgiving, and I really suck, only I just don't know it. And I don't think that I'm a Newberry, Book Award, Pulitzer winning writer, but I don't *think* that I'm horrible. I'm decent, I think. I think. Who really knows. Right now, I don't.

Okay, re-setting. Re-starting. Pushing the Escape Key ... right ... now!

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seraphcelene

August 2016

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